It’s unfortunate, for me at least, how tennis dictates, so much, who I am, even what type of person I am. How I feel about myself, when it comes down to it, tennis is me, without it it’s pretty hard to imagine really being happy with myself. I read a post once on a MySpace blog that said something like how a sport becomes who you are, and for me, it’s true, 90% of the time.

I was playing a friend this evening, and I just wanted it to be over. Feels like I’m out there, but tennis isn’t the challenge anymore. I just can’t figure out what’s wrong, I just feel bad, things aren’t working anymore, and I don’t think I changed anything! I know my arm being injured has something to do with it, if not 80% to do with it (*shrug).

I was playing this morning, and I remembered saying that it felt like my spirit’s dying.

So I’m thinking (right now) about maybe trying a month off. But, for me, it would be really tough. So, I don’t know…

When I was at Arizona with Adam Altschuler, I felt more like a professional than I ever have, it just all seemed to come together for me there. Even, despite the injuries I was dealing with, and even when I realized how much more I had to learn and gain, I still felt it. But, since leaving, I just haven’t felt it anymore, I serve the same, but the ball just doesn’t leave the racquet the same. Same goes for the rest of my game. I really hope it’s my arm, and I really hope there’s something (a month off) I can do about it.

Just not looking forward to it, it’s tough to not be out there, working - it’s what I do.

But I really felt like giving it all up today, but I know now, that’s practically impossible - tennis really does have so much to do with who I am; especially being an athlete. I’m not sure if I’m solving anything, but I need to do something.

I want to go out there at least feeling like I’m doing my best. I was about a 7/10 before, today, I felt like a .2/10.

A month……….

I really hurt my arm on Friday, it still hurts just as much as it did Saturday! I probably will be taking leave of absence from the court the next few days. I’ll use it to concentrate on school a little bit, I guess.

…majoring in philosophy (*pfft), just a distraction to keep playing in the back of my head.

I disappoint myself most of all with this, what’s wrong with me?

It’s strange I feel like I’m getting closer and closer to retiring the idea of ever playing, and just going to school; and I hate it!

Excerpt from my notebook, April 12th 2008.

I get so dramatic sometimes. It’s crazy how one day you’re just taking it day-by-day and the next your whole life is on the line.

I have very mixed emotions about tennis and school, I enjoy having both in my life. I just hate that it’s one or the other sometimes anymore, I wish I had worked harder to play in college…

But,

I just need to get my thoughts centered, chill out, and go to a couple tournaments this summer, and see how I do. Hopefully, I can go to school, get out there and find out what tennis has for me.

I hope Adam helps…

Tiger did it!